


Insecure Refuge

by idc_chan



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Gen, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Mother-Son Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:20:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25135303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idc_chan/pseuds/idc_chan
Summary: "But she'd thrown her body between me and a Dracon beam. Like Cassie's mom when she saw Ax. Like Rachel's mom with the spice rack. Whether she remembered me or not, loved me or not, my mother almost died trying to save me. That had to count for something. Didn't it?" - Tobias, The DiversionA look at each mother as she grapples with an inability to save her child at the end of the war.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	Insecure Refuge

**Forlay-Esgarrouth-Maheen**

I pressed my forehead against Noorlin’s. My hearts were still beating, though I was unsure how. Air still entered and exited my lungs. Around us the wind whistled through the trees. There was still fresh grass beneath my hooves. Everything was the same. 

I remained silent, unable to voice how nothing would ever be the same. If I said it, if I admitted the truth, it would be real. Noorlin’s hand brushed my face. I flinched.

<Why?> I said.

<Our son was a great war hero,> Noorlin said.

My tail twitched. I resisted a desire to raise it- to press it against my throat? Against Noorlin’s? I’m not certain. Something dark loomed in my hearts.

<I miss them both,> I said, backing away. I turned to face the sky. <I need them both.> How could I express this? How could I face this? Elfangor confirmed dead, Aximili so lost to me he might as well be. 

Noorlin turned and stood beside me. He kept his hands to himself. <I’d trade places with them if I could.>

We watched as the world went on. A kafit bird flitted from tree to tree. Another family ran near our pastures with a brief wave in our direction. The sun fell slowly, slipping into the night sky. Stars peppered the sky. And somewhere out there, I thought, one of those stars protected the planet where I’d lost both of my sons.

**Eva**

I opened my own eyes. _I opened my own eyes._ Even now, even after a few days a thrill raced through me as I lifted my eyelids and turned my gaze _wherever I wanted to._ When I lifted my hand to my cheek, it worked. When I felt tears on my face, I could brush them away.

I turned my eyes towards one of my favorite things to view. Lying on a cot, breathing heavily, a boy. No, a young man now. His dark hair fell across his face, his chest rose and fell rapidly and he tossed occasionally in his sleep. Sweat beaded on his forehead and I tried not to dwell on the dreams that might plague my child.

His father slept less fitfully in a cot beside him. My family. Returned to me after all this time. I waited to hear the gloating of Edriss 562. <A pipe dream, you’ll never see your human family again>, she might say. Or <How sweet to imagine your child, when we capture him I’ll be sure this body strikes the fatal blow> or <Perhaps I’ll take him as host. Visser three shouldn’t have the only morph-capable host after all>. No actual taunt rang through my head and I rose from my own cot. I lifted my own legs and walked quietly to Marco’s side.

I placed my hand against his forehead and whispered with my own voice. “Shhhh, it will be okay.”

Tears slipped down Marco’s cheeks through his closed eyes.

“I love you,” I said. Distantly, as I resolved to never let a chance to say those words with my own voice pass by, I wondered what happened to Edriss 562. I wondered what happened to her children. “I love you,” I repeated as Marco’s eyes fluttered open.

“It’s just a nightmare, Mom,” he muttered. He turned away, but I still heard him. “I love you too.”

**Naomi**

I stared into Rachel’s blue eyes. She held my gaze, more anger and coldness than I’d ever seen blazing through those eyes. I matched her stare. “I’d like an explanation, young lady,” I demanded. I clenched my fists to hide the tremble in my hands. I kept my face neutral, shoved my emotions into the same corner I locked them away in during court.

She looked away first and I hid my relief.

“Rachel,” I said more softly. “What exactly is going on? Why have you dragged your family,” I waved around the small camp inhabited by terrifying, apparently gentle aliens.

“Mom?” she asked, turning back towards me. Her lips trembled and she took a breath. “I know there’s a lot to explain, but…”

She paused and looked away again. There weren’t tears when she turned back to me, though her eyes glistened. She took a breath as though mustering her courage. “Could I have a hug?” she asked.

The world stopped around me. I saw her fear, she was terrified, convinced that I didn’t love her. Didn’t realize that I could never not love her- it flashed across her face in that one question and I gathered her in my arms. I held her close and she shuddered against me. I felt tears in my own eyes. Because I knew, I knew as much as she did that she’d sensed my hesitation.

**Michelle**

“I don’t know who she is any more,” Walter said. He paced around our campsite. I sat on a folding chair and poked at the fire with a stick. I tried not to think about what my only daughter was doing at this moment.

“She’s Cassie,” I said as Walter continued to pace. “She’s beautiful, resilient, opinionated, responsible, dedicated,” pride welled inside me. “Everything we’ve taught her.”

“Did we teach her to put other people’s lives in danger?” Walter choked, finally slumping into his own chair.

“Did we teach her to consider her actions carefully and make the choice she believes is right no matter what others think?” I countered.

Walter placed his head in his hands. “She’s our baby,” he sobbed. “How could we have done such a poor job of protecting our baby?” I reached across and placed my hand in his, squeezed it.

“The world has never been a safe place,” I answered, “but we gave her the tools to navigate it. That was all we could ever do.”

“I’m so scared,” Walter said.

I squeezed his hand again, watched the fire waver and dim. I closed my eyes, let out a breath. Me too, I didn’t say. Walter heard it, squeezed back. Together, all we could do was wait.

**Loren**

I sat at the fire, listening to Jara Hamee. The story was beautiful, it always was, he had a gift. But it couldn’t hold my interest as I stared at the blonde boy sitting beside me.

He was focused on the story, his gaze distant and intense. I wondered if he’d forgotten how to make human expressions. There was something off about how still he kept his face.

I traced the lines of it with my newfound sight, tried to remember. There were no flashes of a small child, no memories of holding a baby in my arms. I felt no memory of love for this child.

How many times had I wondered about the child I was told about? How many times had I imagined meeting him? Had I hoped the meeting would spark memories? He turned to meet my eyes. He didn’t smile.

I smiled for both of us. I admired this child who had gone through so much. Who had protected me even though I didn’t know who he was. I thought, maybe, I could grow to love him.

**Jean**

They tossed me into the cage with little regard. The Yeerk that lived in me, that kept me as a hostage against my youngest son needed to feed. I was surprised they left me this much free will, didn’t just switch slugs.

I looked around, enjoying the small freedom until I saw him. He was curled in the corner, away from the others.

“First time?” I heard someone ask me, but I ignored them.

My Tom, arms wrapped around his knees stared silently out of the bars. He rocked back and forth slowly.

“Tom?” I whispered.

He turned towards me. His face remained impassive; his eyes blank as tears slid down his cheeks.

I ran to him, with little regard to the others packed in with us. This was my Tom, my real Tom, not the alien who had been playing his part for the last three years. Not a voluntary Controller as Enris 3455 had led me to believe.

I slid beside him and wrapped my arms around my child. I held him as he started to sob, gibberish and apologies falling from his lips.

“Oh Tom,” I said, brushing his hair back. I knew our reprieve was temporary, understood we didn’t have much time until we didn’t even have ourselves again. “I love you Tom,” I said.

“How? How? After everything I’ve done.”

“It wasn’t you,” I said, rubbing his back. “It wasn’t you.” He shuddered beside me, some tension released from him. “I’ll always love you,” I said. Even if it was you, I thought.

“Did you see him?” The words were thready, whispered, barely spoken.

I held my son tightly. Remembered Jake transforming slowly in front of us. Savoring the rage of Enris as she realized this human child, MY human child was Visser One’s number one enemy. She couldn’t take that fierce pride away from me.

“He hates him you know,” Tom continued. “He wants to kill my brother. How can I live with myself if I kill my brother?”


End file.
